What kind of man doesn’t keep ale in his home?

There’s a very strong chance you’re doing beer wrong.

I’ve seen you walk up to the bar with your mates and eye up the ale pumps with a look of unadulterated fear, before hastily ordering a Carlsberg.

And why wouldn’t you? For one thing, the piss-coloured pint you’ve ordered is relatively cheap, you’ve heard of the brand and besides, anything but lager is for boring middle-aged men isn’t it?

No, you’re wrong. You’re doing everything wrong.

You’re ordering a Stella because you have no sense of taste or you’re just out to get pissed in the most joyless way possible.

Think I sound like a pretentious arsehole? Good.

beer1

Yeah, he drinks

In Student Union bars in particular, ale drinkers seem to be in an overwhelming minority. Nothing matches the awkwardness of being the one guy in the squad who wants a “Doom Bar” or a “Theakston’s Old Peculiar”.

You worry they’ll see with your fizzless drink and their mind will conjure up images of Nigel Farage and his stupid grin.

Yes, it’s not all lagers. There are really nice lagers just as there are dreadful ales, but the lager most people seem to drink is utter shite. Carling, Fosters, Carlsberg – they’re all tasteless fizzy pop makes you ridiculously gassy and they help explain why some animals claim not to like beer.

Of course, if you’re at a pre-drinks with the sole aim of getting completely wrecked, a multipack of the cheap stuff will do a perfectly adequate job. They’re the Joe Allen of drinks, useful but with all the excitement of a train station Wetherspoons.

Different drinks for different...needs

Different drinks for different…needs

I’m more than happy to be considered a wannabe beer hipster or flat-capped barfly if it means I actually get to taste something when I have a drink. You can’t bolt the 7% craft stout in the same way you can a Kronenbourg, but why would you want to? Getting drunk needn’t happen in the first 10 minutes of a party, so it’s best to enjoy the ride and drink things which actually taste nice.

If you’ve tried to broaden your horizons and have actually tried bitter, then I hold no grudges if you’ve decided it’s not for you. Your tastebuds are clearly wrong, but at least you had a go. As a thoroughly modern chap I’ll drink bright, sparkly cocktails and “posh” wines from Bordeaux to Volantis.

It’s the people who aren’t even willing to try anything other than tins of Budweiser who are the enemy. For them, sophisticated beer drinking is having a Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day.

beer2

Hypocrite warning

Yeah, I’m a horrific beer snob, but it’s for a good reason. A pint with some actual flavour greatly enhances the drinking experience, whether it’s a quiet one in the local or getting properly squiffy.

Craft beer bars are springing up all over the place, so it’s not even as though it’s just dingy 17th century pubs who are serving tasty beer anymore.

Beer is one of the greatest things in the world, alongside Emilia Clarke and pulled pork sandwiches. You’re ruining it by not doing it properly.

At least you’re not drinking cider though. Cider is for children.

@davidcowlishaw

  • rrrrrrrrr

    David you sound like an absolute bellend.

  • Adam Jalal

    Drinking Doom Bar does not constitute beer snobbery you self entitled dog.

  • Jonjo Shelvey

    Suck your mum

  • Ryan Johnson

    What a bell end…

  • Jon

    As long as we call it real ale and not craft beer like the yanks

  • Jimmy

    Doom Bar is hardly the pinnacle of ‘craft beer’. Sounds like you’re a wannabe beer snob

  • Anon

    Oh look, another cunt who writes for the tab!

  • an actual beer snob

    The fact that you think Old Peculiar and Doom Bar are good ales shows you know close to nothing about beer.

    • Sean Cassidy

      Doombar from somewhere good is actually an excellent ale.

      I’m a fan of the badger ales you can get 3 for £5 at sainsburys.

      More recently I’ve been buying mini kegs from my local microbrewery

  • Beer is love. Beer is life.

    Beer does not, and should not, have anything to do with snobbery. It’s a drink to be enjoyed in good company, and publishing articles under the (wholly misplaced) title of a ‘beer snob’ only serves to alienate more people from trying ale.

    Ale isn’t just boozy brown soup for old men and twatty middle-class white kids, a point you tried to make but completely contradicted in writing this article.

  • constructive criticism

    not great journalistic credibility and imagination ending almost every paragraph by saying your doing it wrong. try not be too repetitive, tends to grain on the reader.

    • constructive criticism 2.0

      *you’re
      *did you mean ‘grate’ on the reader?