It’s 2014 baby

So it’s Halloween this weekend and FUCK – your outfit isn’t on point.

You’re on a budget: that loan you were going to save has withered away as a result of paying back summer’s exuberance, and this nasty ket drought is giving you a better understanding of market forces than that economics module could ever hope to.

You might be tempted to go with something recent, but last year’s Jimmy Saville pastiche means donning a Rolf Harris costume would run the risk of you coming across as a one-trick paedophilic pony. Ugh, how uncouth.

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What’s more, there’s that tribal themed Good Life you paid £15 to get a ticket for the week after Halloween, which you’re mad pumped for because you saw an Attenborough thingy on tribes and they were all wearing the most tidal garms.

So tidal that you couldn’t find anything even remotely similar at the uni’s vintage fair. Man, they have it sooo good.

Well, luckily enough for your cultural self, there’s also Moschino Hoe’s Dead Rappers’ Ball on Halloween.

Dress as a dead rapper and you’ll find yourself in contention for a prize! This is perfect – you LOVE rap music – Juicy was the soundtrack to your first year and you know all the words to that No Diggity remix.

It’s just so lucky that two events should pop up within a week of each other that give you the opportunity to shuffle off that ever-so-dull coil and to culturally appropriate like it’s 1849!

Should you need any more convincing, here’s seven super in-trend reasons to express yourself in the only way your historical lineage knows how: ApProPrIaTiOn, baby!

1. You don’t have time to consider the social and ideological ramifications of your costume decisions – finding a top that goes with that fucking facepaint is hard enough!

That Facebook album of you and your besties wearing Indian headdresses at Glastonbury was pure fire, and now that the bar for great fancy dress has been set, it’s a tradition you’re obliged to continue.

Who cares if the original members of that culture feel like you’re pouring salt in the wounds of a past that your ancestors were responsible for? You wear that shit better than they ever could anway…

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2. History? You read a motivational quote online that said to live in the present

It’s not a throwback to a time when slavery and inhumane practices were dealt to an entire race just because of how they appeared – it’s fucking HOT. Gosh.

3. You’ve been listening to hiphop since boarding school

All those hood rappers you listened to in your dorm at school are a part of who you are! The struggle, the grind. It’s resonant.

Combined with the snapbacks and Nike air, this is a part of who you are now, even if Mummy and Daddy think it’s a phase.

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Wow, it’d be so much easier if you weren’t white, what with all these lame accusations of racial insensitivity you have to dodge. It’s not like you chose to be like this.

4. Cultural appropriation is the new integration

It’s like that time that totally basic bitch had a go at you for twerking to 2 Chainz in HiFi. It might be political correctness gone mad but then it’s a good job you’re fucking MENTAL.

5. White privilege and systematic oppression are really difficult themes to pull off

Jeez, Eminem is no-way near ghetto enough, and all those traditional white stereotypes of  things like systematic pillage and institutionalised-everything are just so dull!

In fact, they’re even more politically dangerous: that swastika armband that your older cousin James wore got him in the bloody Mail, and your family doesn’t need another scandal like that – besides, he didn’t even MEAN to offend anyone.

Can’t people just lighten up?

6. It’s twenty fourteen baby!

How DARE someone tell you that you can’t dress a certain way because of your race. That’s racist! Besides, no-one even says those kind of words anymore – they’re the reserve of the idiots from the BNP and EDL.

You’re at university, you’re educated: it’s literally pretty much impossible for you to be racist.

7. You have black Friends

Seriously, you even slipped this into a conversation with your parents and they barely even blinked.

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@_davidpratt

  • Think Before You Type, Cunt

    There are so many things wrong with this I don’t know where to begin. I pity the ignorant fool who wrote this

    • tabloid scum

      Irony, hun

    • Person with personality

      I pity you.

    • Are you serious

      This is quite clearly satirical!!! Oh my good god. The writer is ridiculing all the lame stereotypical white-person excuses for ‘blacking up’. I mean, come on!

      • 2pac

        We all understand that this is a “satirical” article aimed to humour. However it is written poorly by what seems to be a 12th year sixth former during their work experience. When will the tab stop producing endless bullshit? This article isn’t even funny

        • Official

          Your name is 2pac…

        • Dapper Laughs

          12th year sixth former during work experience.
          *12th year lower sixth former (not sure where this comes in) during work experience

  • Oh My Days

    This is maybe the most offensive piece of toilet I’ve read in my entire life. You are awful, everything about the tab is just awful.

  • BlackIsTheNewBlack?

    I don’t think It’s racist to black up? how will we ever move past racial barriers if we think something like this is unacceptable.

    • Kanye West

      Don’t we all wish that was the case, but the real world doesn’t work like that. There’s too much stupidity on one side to just ‘move past racial barriers’. You can’t have equality until there’s equality. The front page of this week’s Gryphon even had stats that said minority applicants were at a disadvantage. It sucks, but It’s real. I think the author nailed it

  • Unimpressed

    My understanding is that this piece is attempting to be satirical but it is failing on so many levels. Incredibly offensive and piss poor effort.

  • jeez

    it must be hard living life with no sense of humour

  • Terrible

    The sad thing is most people won’t be able to grasp this is an attempt (very poor) at satire when compared to a standard Tab article.
    This article is more harmful than good and will just rehash derogatory stereotypes.
    Well done for inadvertently encouraging people to black for Halloween. Great achievement!

    • Anon

      Wait. You can’t truly believe Leeds Students are SO thick they’ll read this as encouragement to black up?

      Oh, hang on, I’ve just read the other comments.

      Leeds is full of imbeciles.

  • -

    Could have been done more tastefully and objectively!

  • Flossy

    Black face or blacking up was used as a way to mock african american people for comedy back in the day… http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/58/Minstrel_PosterBillyVanWare_edit.jpg
    Those who are saying it isn’t racist to black up need to educate themselves in the history of ‘blackface’ it isn’t that we need to move forward and that african american people need to ‘get over it’ it’s because blacking up is intrinsically linked to a culture where assimilating as a black person was seen a humorous and a way to make fun of them.
    This article is satirical, it is mocking those who think blacking up is an acceptable practice, not claiming it is something to do!
    Those who think otherwise need to learn something.

  • I’m Always Right

    Anyone that fails to realise this article is SATIRE should be considered intellectually retarded and unfit for university-level study.

  • Awful

    I don’t care if it’s satire- it’s been a historically offensive thing to do for decades now and it shouldn’t have been published. The Tab is probably the worst news site I have ever come across. Rubbish journalism, offensive stories and is sending the complete wrong message out to students. Have met very few people who actually consider the tab to be a respectable news outlet- you should be ashamed of yourselves.

    • Anon

      “I don’t care if it’s satire”

      Yeah, first thing I do when I read something is to completely disregard it’s motive so I can complain about it.

      • Dapper Laughs

        hahahaha best comment yet

  • https://www.joshuaissac.com/ Joshua Issac

    I agree with most of the article, but there are some inaccuracies:

    “Who cares if the original members of that culture feel like you’re pouring salt in the wounds of a past that your ancestors were responsible for?”

    It is very unlikely that any of the ancestors of the average Leeds student are responsible for any trouble experienced by native Americans, or for any slave trading. However, feather headdresses were originally awarded for slaughtering enemies in battle, so anyone glorifying the victims’ deaths by wearing them should be treated contempt, as someone who wears a Nazi uniform would be.

  • Just in case..

    Okay well for those who don’t understand satire and those who MAY think of coming to the defence of their precious blackface, let me say this in plain english :

    It saddens me that people feel so strongly about preserving their ‘right to black up’. Year on year, especially in the run up to halloween, we come out in the masses stating this is racist and yet EVERY YEAR I have been out and seen a bunch of often ‘laddy’ students blacked up. I’m fed up. I’m tired of the question ‘HOW IS THIS RACIST?’ . Take control of your own education, stop being ignorant and read a book. it’s been used to humiliate black people for years (minstrels, gollywogs etc). History tells us it is racist. I, AND THE MAJORITY OF BLACK PEOPLE, find it insulting.

    Who are you to decide for a race what they find offensive? Fabulous that privilege isn’t it. What I find most pathetic is how it is most popular in universities where there’s a very small population of black students! For example, Durham, Edinburgh etc. They are so comfortable knowing that there aren’t many people they would ‘offend’ (i.e black people). I dare anybody to go out in blackface in London for halloween…

    I am tired.
    The context of your blacking up is irrelevant, whether you’re going as Mandela or 50 cent if you won’t take it from ME, a black person, then please accept the fact that you are indeed, racist. My skin is not a costume, so whilst you may find it hilarious to be ‘black’ for the night this is my everyday. Perhaps you will never truly understand until you are a minority whose culture is constantly mocked, but you cannot justify it.

  • Efe

    I lost the satirical tone after few sentences. It seem to me the writer is promoting what seem to be his point of view in a satirical manner.

  • Tom

    You should be kicked out of University, you vile rat.

  • Nippleless cage

    Pratt seems like an apt surname…
    On serious note, stop using minorities as your fucking shield for your fucked up ideologies, i’m sick of people like this co-opting the historic and current oppression of others for their sordid motives. I’m gay and i swear to god the next person who uses the term “privilege” or “white cis male” even if it’s in my favour are gonna get a stern talking to. Middle class mongoloids with nothing better to do than bitch. Yeah some black people are gonna find it offensive and that’s valid but lets not pretend that you’re hijacking their plight to further your own agenda you piece of absolute shit.